The American Apologist

David Spade… sometimes I think he’s one of the funniest comedic actors I’ve seen and in the next minute I think — “Geez, this guy is lame and he doesn’t even know it!” Maybe that’s the sign of a good actor. I don’t know, but I do appreciate Mr. Spade putting his money where his mouth is. Yesterday, David Spade donated $100,000 to the Phoenix Police Department to help buy 50 AR-15 rifles for their squad cars. He decided to donate the money after hearing that police were having to buy their own rifles. According to the AP story:

LOS ANGELES (AP) — The Phoenix Police Department has gotten some high-powered goodies courtesy of actor David Spade.

The one-time Phoenix resident donated $100,000 so that the department can buy approximately 50 AR-15 rifles.

Spade said he wanted to make the donation after seeing a TV news report about Phoenix officers having to buy their own rifles. Spade grew up in the Phoenix area and graduated from Arizona State University.

Phoenix Police Sgt. Alan Hill says the rifles will be given to patrol officers and that the agency was grateful for the gifts.

“These guys need to be able to do their jobs and I am just happy I could help,” Spade said in a statement released by his publicist.

You will also note that when a Hollywood star is buying the weapons, the AP does NOT refer to them as “high powered, automatic assault rifles”…

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Secondly, I missed a momentous occasion recently involving another great actor and a truly great American.  Gary Sinise was awarded the Presidential Citizens Medal by President George W. Bush.  Sinise was awarded the Medal for his work supporting American troops through the USO and for providing school supplies to Iraqi children.

Joe

H/T: Robert Avrech’s post and to Dirty Harry for his original post.

Ok, this silly little thing has been circulating via email for… oh, I don’t know how long, but I suspect Al Gore sent it out soon after he invented the internet. I got tired of seeing it, so I responded to my friend with the actual answers… well… some of them are true, anyway…

Why?

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? – well it’s either rape or theft of services.

Can you cry under water? Yes

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Assassination usually denotes a political motive behind the murder.

Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to? Taxes

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? No, your wings would not fit through that dress…

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Round boxes are more expensive to produce.

What disease did cured ham actually have? Obesity…

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Priorities. Back then we were explorers! Now we’re just lazy. Look at all of our recent inventions…. We’re lazy.

Why is it that people say they ’slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours? Because babies don’t usually toss and turn like adults do (because they are up every few hours, they don’t have the same sleep cycle) and because they are cute when sleeping.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Yes… the court hears the motions, not the defendant/plaintiff…

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Movies (used to) require you to go IN a theater, whereas to watch a program on TV, you had to turn it ON.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? To get a different perspective.. duh

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway. They really don’t *want* to see (most of) us naked, so it minimizes the trauma…

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural? Breast is singular and buttocks is plural…

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Hey, my late sister used to burn the hell out of the toast and then eat it – are you calling her an indecent human being????

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? It is not “No one cares” it is “I don’t care”… duh…

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat? The same reason 2-time Nobel prize winner Prof. John Bardeen couldn’t figure out how to use the ball point pen my mom handed him – no common sense (a true story!)

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs! Goofy talks and Pluto doesn’t – right? Isn’t Goofy more advanced??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner? He’s a hunter–gatherer…

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Petroleum – besides wasn’t it *really* designed to be used as a lubricant when making a baby

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Yes

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Yes

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Just verifying my answer.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt? Hemisphere is the wrong word — period. An asteroid is a celestial object (astro, meaning star-like). On the other hand, Hemo (means “with blood”) and rhoid means flowing – figure it out for yourself! Hmm, on second thought, shouldn’t your period be called a hemorrhoid??

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Blowing on a dog is an act of aggression, but having the wind blow your face is exciting!

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Because we aren’t sure if it’s the batteries, or the damned buttons sticking again!!

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money? Greed, and to punish (or deter) bad behavior…

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Well, 4 billion looks about right, but that paint *looks* dry…

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Because you can’t buy non-sterilized needles… ?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? He had not yet entered puberty…

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Normal reflex. Why do you jerk your leg when you know the doctor is going to hit you with that tiny rubber hammer?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? They like leather. All pilots like leather..

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’? What else would you use? Another “p” – he has a lipp? That would be dumb…

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Because some people never change…

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Because white denotes purity — would you want brown bubbles in your bath? It’s the same reason toilet paper is white — to show you it’s clean!

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? No… duh?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? I already told you – we’re lazy!!!

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Umm, I don’t do that, nor do I know anyone who does that. I pick it up after 2 tries with the vacuum…

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? Why do some people ride the “short bus”…

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
They crawl in through the cracks…

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’ That would be rude.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over? I always catch it. Please see the answer 3 questions above for your answer…

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Because in the summer it climbs to 82+ degree inside and I want it to be more like 72. In the winter, I’d like it to be warmer, more like 72… hey, I see a pattern – 72 is comfortable!

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? Fathers are not so controlling. That’s the reason why a father gives away the bride – the mother would NOT do it!

And my FAVORITE….

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends…if they’re okay; youre the one! Well, I’m OK, so I’m confident it’s one of you 3…

Feel free to add your thoughts…

Joe